I’ve been seeing my massage therapist periodically over the last 2 years. She obviously helps my neck and back, but the truth is, she does more for my mental health then my physical health. It’s probably because I seek her out when things are particularly stressful in my life, but every conversation with her feels more like therapy then massage.
She’s been encouraging me to quit my job and find something else, anything else, for a while now. I almost feel guilty when I see her and have to tell her the bad news. The last time, she even suggested talking to my doctor about going on stress-leave so that I can get E.I. while looking for something new – but I’m not that desperate/unhappy there, am I?
I then wondered out loud if it’s only “so bad” because I’m expecting it to be. That by focusing on the negatives, I’m inviting the exhaustion, stress, and depression in, and letting it spiral out of control. (I don’t believe I will ever get a raise, so I’m not trying to get one. I expect my boss(es) to be rude to me regarding stage managing stuff, so I hate stage managing. Less people are enrolling in the classes, so I don’t bother promoting it. I feel like I have to work all the time, so I work all the time. I complain that my work/life balance is completely out of balance, but then I take on more projects and more shifts at work. Etc. Etc. Etc.) She suggested something that should have been obvious – if I want more time for myself, I need to make more time for myself.
I’m in the mindset that my job is what’s holding me back, that it’s the evil thing preventing me from being healthier, being social, volunteering, and making time for myself and my interests. But is it really?
Sure a new job will (hopefully) mean I can make more money, work less, and therefore have more time for myself, but will I actually use that time to do all these things I say I want to do? Or will it just mean that I have to come up with a new excuse?